Study Finds Technology Is Boosting Vagisil Sales


by Matt Weik

Ok, there’s no proof that technology is actually increasing sales, but you’ll understand the reasoning behind the title soon enough. If we were to conduct a study on technology here is what we would find. We rely on technology to get us from point A to point B. We rely on technology to communicate to one another. We rely on technology to entertain us. Gentlemen, grab your balls. What? They went missing? That’s because you’re now officially a pussy. So smear on some Vagisil and continue reading to figure out how to get your manhood back.

Technology: A double-edged sword

Technology is taking the world by storm. It’s causing us to be lazy and inactive. Now with virtual reality being an actual reality, you can fight dragons as if you were actually physically there. Cool brah. Dungeons and Dragons FTW. Yup. “For the Wussies”. And even better news, you can now have virtual sex with a woman without even leaving your Mom’s basement. Cool man! Grab your Cheetos and you’re ready to go. You’ll be dry humping the air in no time!

Snap the hell out of it guys. Take your manhood back. Back in the day real men carried around a club. They’d have to hunt and beat their prey just for food—there was no McDonalds or Wendy’s Drive-Thru’s. They would drag their woman around by the hair in their caves (don’t do this in real life, you’ll end up sitting next to Bubba in a jail cell crying because he just violated you in more ways than one). As we evolved, we’ve gotten lazy and complacent as a society. Everyone wants the easy way out of everything. Whatever relieves them of actually doing work that involves physical labor is the choice most choose these days.

Hey, Siri…

The world of electronics and technology is doing almost everything for us these days. Your smartphone has taken over a good portion of tasks that you would need to do throughout the day and you can ask Siri just about any question under the sun and get an answer (while it might not be the answer you wanted). You can even order groceries without having to leave the house right from your smartphone! Yet people are wondering why obesity rates keep rising. Think about it. Seriously. It’s because we are lazier than ever. Now I don’t want to generalize that EVERYONE is lazy, but statistics show that more than half of our population is overweight. You don’t get to be a part of that statistic by eating nutrient dense foods and exercising regularly.

Don’t be a statistic

So how do we combat this and not be a statistic? Get more active! Put down your smartphone and get active. Rather than emailing your associate down the hall, get up and go tell him or ask him what you need to. Getting up and moving throughout the day does wonders for your body. Make time to get up, move around, and stretch if you find yourself sitting for an extended period.

Rather than ordering your groceries online or trying to get the very first parking spot in the parking lot, park towards the back of the lot and walk up to the store (this goes for any place you frequent where you need to park your car). It should also go without saying but use the stairs instead of the elevator/escalator. Get a lunch break but your employers allow you to eat at your desk during the day? Then go for a walk during lunch or if you get an extended lunch break hit the gym and get in a workout. When you get back to the office you can then eat lunch at your desk or before you take your lunch break—whichever you prefer.

Something else to consider is your “downtime”. Do you find yourself chillin’ by the pool with an adult beverage, taking in some Vitamin D on the weekends? Are your weeknights filled with reality television? What ever happened to recreational sports? Even kids these days are glued to their electronics—playing video games, thumbing around on their phone or tablet, or texting back and forth with their friends (who live next door). Get your ass off the couch! Go get active! Join a recreational basketball league, or indoor soccer league, anything! Just get active!

It starts and ends with YOU

It infuriates me to no end how lazy our society is. Then people want to blame everything and everyone else for their failing health. It couldn’t be their lack of exercise and fast food binges that caused their weight gain, or the case of beer they drank last night while watching the Bachelorette (guys, reevaluate your life if you watch that show).

Your life and your health ultimately is in your hands. You have the power to stay active and live a healthy lifestyle or sit on the couch, be a couch potato, and become an obesity statistic. The choice is yours. I don’t want to see anyone’s health deteriorate because they were simply too lazy to stay active and make better nutritional choices. If you need help with either, I highly recommend finding a competent trainer (notice how I said competent) and nutritionist to help you get on track and take your life back. Find out how you can minimize the use of technology and in its place do something that involves burning stored energy. We get lost in technology due to its convenience. The downside is that “convenience” makes us lazy and complacent. Take control of your life before illness does. If you think finding time to exercise and live a healthier lifestyle was an inconvenience, wait until you have to deal with an illness or disease. You can thank technology for that, alongside your poor life choices. So put away the Vagisil (as well as your smartphone/tablet/laptop) and take back your manhood.