I’ve wanted to write this for a long time, and really struggled with it because, as a woman, I will never even use most of the substances I’ll mention below. Even if I did, with no “boys” to turn back on I have no need of post-cycle therapy. Still, as if through osmosis, I seem to have learned a smattering of “Steroidese” by simple virtue of having spent time immersed in physical culture.

When a young man joins an online community and asks “The Question” under the false security of imaginary anonymity, he is running a gauntlet of experts, trolls and predators who are all similarly cloaked.

Amidst jeers of “steroids don’t make you big”, “you’re too young”, “fix your diet first”, “fix your training first”, and of course “max out your natural potential first” there are also the invariable “I did my first cycle at 15 and I was fine” and “eating is overrated” posts that range from inappropriate through inaccurate and all the way to downright dangerous.

I know the answers to these off the top of my head, and my knowledge of these matters is, by my own admission, exceedingly limited.

If YOU are a young man who longs to “get swole”, you should know the answers to these questions at least as well as the middle-aged woman who is asking them.

So then, grasshopper, when you can answer the following questions with ease… there is a small chance that you may be ready.

Turn over your examination paper.
You have all the time you need.
Begin.

Please put down your pencils.
No answer key will be provided for this exam.
In time your health, your physique and your wallet
will form the basis of your grade.

Good luck.

I know what many of you are thinking right about now:

"Don't confuse me with the facts, dammit, I just want to get HYOOGE!!!"

The chorus "You’re not ready – you're too young – wait until you've been lifting for a few years...", smells a lot like : "you haven't paid your dues – you don’t DESERVE this yet – you’re just looking for a shortcut!”

Does this sound like something I would say? Anyone who reads my articles should know by now how lazy I am! I am ALL ABOUT the shortcut and the quick fix – IF they work!

The nature of internet communication being what it is, there are certainly those who will make it sound like you are not yet worthy of such gains, but your worthiness is really not for me or anyone else to judge.  

So why did I write this exam for you? Because you are about to play doctor with drugs you have not tested for potency and barely understand.

Consider the gravity of that last statement for a moment. Your doctor went to university for eight years before learning how to prescribe drugs that are dispensed from a pharmacist with almost as many years of formal education. The medications you will obtain from these people have been manufactured with extraordinary care. Even so, adverse reactions sometimes occur.

Contrast this with your current situation: you are about to use drugs that were made illegally, perhaps smuggled into the country, or both. You have no idea if your “mystery-chemists” washed their hands before cooking up your gear, nor can you be sure that you are in fact getting what is written on the label. To make matters worse, you likely have little or no formal training in pharmacology or human physiology and now you’re going to have to swallow or inject to get the mystery-juice into your body.

Suppose you get lucky and your source is actually “legit” – so what? Quite frankly, your results may disappoint you.  I’ll go out on a very sturdy limb and say most of you could probably get identical results simply by correcting your training and your diet.

You doubt this? Consider how much natural testosterone is in a young man’s body to begin with. The dose he will need to see additional benefit is HUGE - and the higher the dose, the worse the sides – problems such as gynecomastia, premature baldness, sterility and impotence may be exacerbated by very high blood levels of androgen – and the drugs you need to take to counter these effects can have pretty serious sides – remember, many of these drugs were developed for use on women who will otherwise die of cancer.

Still feel lucky?