THE RAMBLI’N FREAK #1

by Greg Valentino

Warning: Do not use this column orally or rectally. ..thank you ..G.V.

TWEET….I think I suffer from the “Oral-Anal Reversal Syndrome”… That means I’m either “Talking Shit” or “Talking Out-of-My-Ass”again!!!…

     HEY, IF “BODYBUILDING REALITY” WAS “OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS”, THEN I MUST BE A ‘FOURTEEN YEAR-OLD’ ROMANIAN GIRL , YO’ SIMPLY PUT, THAT MEANS “I FUCKING RULE” HERE!!!… OH YEAH BABE, MY NIPPLES ARE TINGLIING JUST SAYING …WOOF!!!…WOW!!! ..

WELCOME TO MY NEW COLUMN OH YEAH BABE, IT’S GREAT TO BE PART OF IRONMAG LABS!!! ANYWAY I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU THE SAME CRAZY USELESS BULLSHIT I GAVE YOU FOR 15 YEARS IN MY MD  ‘RAMBLIN FREAK’ (THAT’S ME) COLUMN!!!…SO WITH THAT SAID, CLIMB ONTO YOUR FAVORITE SEAT IN THE HOUSE,,, A MANS THROWN,,, YOUR TOILET SEAT,,, BECAUSE THE SHIT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE BATHROOM FAN!!!

      Two Female Bodybuilders looking for “Muscle Worshipping Schmoes” to make some coins ( money ) from,,,were eating dinner at a local “Muscle Maker Grill“  when one said, “Girl we gonna get paid tonight, I can smell ‘Schmoe Dick’ in the air!!!”…The other Girl just laughed and said “No Bitch that’s because I just burped!!!”.

      ATTN. INTERNET MOMOS ,, “You’re all just a bunch of Little Boys playing in a Man’s world,,, And I’m a Man who loves to play with Little Boys!!!!”…UMMM, WAIT,,, HOLD UP,,,,FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID,,, THAT DIDN’T COME OUT RIGHT!!!!………ANYWAY THERES A LOT OF BULLSHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW ON SOCIAL MEDIA (YOUTUBE ESPECIALLY) …LOL ,,TODAY EVERYONE IS A TUFF GUY ( IN THEIR MINDS ANYWAY),,, YO NO TRUE TUFF GUY MAKES VIDEOS CLAIMING TO BE TUFF OR BEAT SOMEONES ASS,,,YO THAT’S NOT A TUFF GUY THAT’S A BULLY!!!!....KEEP IN MIND BULLYS ARE NOT TUFF GUYS THEY ARE COWARDS PLAYING THE ROLE OF A TUFF GUY!!!….…A TRUE TUFF GUY IS  QUIET AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE HIM COMING!!!!…TRUST ME I WAS IN JAIL WITH SOME OF THE WORST EVIL MEN ON THE PLANET AND THEY NEVER TALKED TUFF,,, INSTEAD THEY JUST DID WHAT THEY NEEDED TO DO WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECTED IT!!!…AND THEY DIOD NOT HAVE OTHERS WITH THEM THEY ACTED ALONE!!!…TUFF GUYS ARE NOT WOLVES THAT ACT IN PACKS,, NO THOSE ARE COWARDS,,,A TRUE TUFF GUY IS LIKE A MALE LION WHO WAITS TILL THE TIME IS RIGHT  THEN HE POUNCES ON HIS OWN!!!!…. AND OF COURSE YOU GOT THE INTERNET KNOW IT ALLS WHO LIKE TO TALK TUFF GUY SHIT AND YET COWARDLY HIDE BEHIND THEIR ANONYMOUS SCREEN NAME WHILE DOING SO!!!….SO I SAY, YO FUCKOS CHECK IT OUT > I’M A NEW YORK CITY GINNY,,,,MEANING I AM AN ITALIAN BOY FROM THE BRONX,, SO IF YOU THINK BY THROWING LITTLE SHADY / SNEAKY COWARDLINESS COMMENTS AT ME ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA THAT YOU ARE HURTING ME THEN THINK AGAIN BOYS!!!…..I LOVE IT,, YOU ARE GIVING ME ATTENTION,,, AND I’M GETTING WOOD JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!…HEY MY GIRLFRIEND TALKS SHIT ABOUT ME AND CURSES ME OUT WHEN WE ARE HAVING SEX SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT IT TURNS ME ON!!!!! ..OH YEAH BABE!!!…..ALSO JUST TO LET YOU KNOW,,,I JUST ATE HOMEMADE- ITALIAN ‘SAUSAGE AND PEPPERS’ < YO THAT MEANS I’M IN ‘ITALIAN BOY HEAVEN’,,, NOTHING BOTHERS ME NOW,, I FEEL GREAT!!! “Success causes Jealousy and Envy from the Un-successful” SO FUCK OFF…GV

VENTING TRUE FACT: Mercedes was not the first girl I ever sodomized but I must admit nobody swallows the sausage like her in the neighborhood!!!…Yo that’s how I fell in love with her!!!.. Hey all friends were right,,, she is an awesome fuck in the bedroom!!!…. GOD I LOVE HER SO MUCH,, I’M A LUCKY GUY!!!!…BY THE WAY,  MY FRIENDS ARE ALL FUCKING JEALOUS BECAUSE ALTHOUGH THEY ALL HAD HER BEFORE I DID,,, I’M THE LUCKY GUY SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH!!!OH YEAH BABE,,, GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME!!!     

       VALENTINO QUOTE“Hearing a Bodybuilding Competitor say “I Don’t Think The Judging Was Fair’ is equivalent to saying “I Didn’t Feel Loved” when walking out of that Whore-House!!!”GV

     STORY TIME   …..”Yo’ Jesus died for our sins so if you don’t sin that means he died for nothing!!!!”…KEEP THAT IN MIND BEFORE ANY OF YOU JUDGE ME!!!!…ANYWAY, I’VE TOLD THIS STORY IN THE MAGAZINES BEFORE AND EVEN ON GENERATION IRON TV BUT I’M GOING TO TELL IT AGAIN HERE FOR YOU MOMO’S ON THE TIGER FITNESS WEBSITE…YOU CAN THANK ME LATER!!!!….ANYWAY, I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LOCKED UP IN JAIL AND THEY WOULD TRANSPORT US CONVICTS TO COURT THE REAL FUCKED UP PART IS THAT THEY WOULD HAVE 6 OF US INMATES CHAINED WITH ANKLE CUFFS  AND WE WERE ALL ATTACHED TO EACHOTHER BY A LONG CHAIN THAT WENT AROUND OUR WAISTS THEN TO THE NEXT INMATE…..THEN THEY LOADED US INTO A SMALL VAN,,, NO BIGGER THEN A REGULAR SIZED WORK VAN…..ONLY THIS VAN HAD A WALL DOWN THE MIDDLE SO IT WAS 6 INMATES ON ONE SIDE THEN ANOTHER 6 INMATES ON THE OTHER SIDE…..THATS 12 JAIL-MOMO’S IN THE BACK OF A WORK VAN-TYPE VAN….YO’, IF THAT WAS YOU WITH 12 OF YOUR FRIENDS IN THE BACK OF YOUR VAN , YOU WOULD PROBABLY GET A VIOLATION FOR UN-SAFE PASSENGER TRANSPORT…..BUT HEY THE GOVERNMENT CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO DO, THEY PROVE THAT SHIT EVERYDAY!!!!…..ANYWAY, WHEN WE GOT TO THE COURTHOUSE  WE WERE THEN ALL PILED INTO A BIG CAGE aka HOLDING CELL WHERE 12 OTHER MOMO’S WERE TRANSPORTED BY ANOTHER VAN WITH AN ILLEGAL SIZED LOAD OF CONVICTS……AND WHEN IT WAS LUNCH TIME  WE ALL GOT A BOLOGNA SANDWHICH FOR LUNCH….OH YUM,,NOT!!!!…..AND YO,,,THAT NASTY FAKE-ASS  BOLOGNA –SHIT SANDWHICH  WAS ON SOME SORT OF DRY ASS – WHOLE WHEAT BREAD THAT TASTED LIKE SAW DUST…..NOW I’M SURE IF ANY OF YOU JAILHOUSE BROTHERS ARE READING THIS WITH BAD FLASH BACKS AND YOU KNOW THE BOLOGNA SANDWHICH DEAL….….I KNOW MY BROTHERS,,,, I KNOW,,,FUCK EM ALL!!!……ANYWAY, I FUCKIN HATE WHOLE WHEAT BREAD, YUKKK!!!!!….NOW HERE IS THE FUCKED UP PART OF MY LITTLE RANT HERE HERE….YO’, AS ALWAYS,  I HAD TO TAKE A SHIT!!!…OH YEAH BABE…I HAD A MONSTER-SHIT-TSUNAMI (pronounced su-nɑ-mi) ,,,MEANING I FELT MY GUT ERRUPTING LIKE MOUNT ST.HELENS AND THINGS COULD GET REAL MESSY REAL FAST IF I DID NOT ACT RIGHT AWAY!!!! …IRONICALLY A FEW OTHER INMATES COMPLAINED THAT “THEY HAD TO SHIT TOO” ( IT’S THE DAMN SHITY JAILHOUSE FOOD AND THE FAKE ASS MEAT THEY GIVE YOU) …PROBLEM IS,,THERE WAS ONLY ONE TOILET AND IT WAS IN MIDDLE OF THE CELL WITH NO WALLS OR ANYTHING ELSE  BLOCKING ITS VIEW……OOOPS AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THERE WAS ONE OTHER BIG PROBLEM, THERE WAS NO TOILET PAPER TO WIPE YOUR ASS WITH!!!! …..BUT UN-LIKE THE OTHER HERO CONVICTS I WAS LOCKED UP WITH, I COULD NOT HOLD IT  OR I WOULD HAVE SHIT MY ORANGE JUMPSUIT!!!!….SO I ANNOUNCED TO ALL THE GUYS THAT I WAS SORRY BUT I HAD TO GO, “MOTHER NATURE WAS CALLING ME” AND IF I DIDN’T ANSWER HER CALLING THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN A BAD SITUATION FOR ME AND FOR ALL OF THE REST OF MY FELLOW INMATES,,, ESPECIALLY WHEN WE WOULD ALL BE BACK IN THAT LITTLE VAN AGAIN ON OUR WAY BACK TO THE COUNTY JAIL……SO THEY AGREED WITH A BIG “OH HELL NO, FUCK THAT”  …SO NOW MY FELLOW INMATES ALL TURNED THEIR HEADS AS I SAT ON THE STAINLESS STEEL TOILET AND I RELEASED THE HOUNDS!!!! (SHIT MY BRAINS OUT) …THEN, WHEN I WAS DONE I ASKED ONE OF MY CELLMATES FOR A SANDWHICH THAT WAS THROWN ON THE FLOOR BY AN UN-HUNGRY FELLOW CONVICT…..I PROUDLY TOOK THE BOLOGNA OFF AND ATE IT AS I THEN WIPED MY ASS WITH THE WHOLE WHEAT BREAD >>>BOTH SLICES….YES, I ADMIT, AT FIRST THE BREAD WAS A LITTLE SCRATCHY ON MY ASS,,,, BUT AT THE SAME TI\ME THAT HELPED CLEAN ME UP A LITTLE BETTER THEN IF I WOULD HAVE USED WHITE BREAD!!!!……YES IT’S TRUE >>  I TOOK A SHIT IN JAIL AND WIPED MY ASS WITH A BOLOGNA SANDWHICH!!!!THE OTHER INMATES SHOOK THEIR HEADS IN DISBELEIF BUT SHOWED ME PROPS FOR NOTGIVING A FUCK AND DOING WHAT I GOTTA DO…THAT MY FRIENDS IS SURVIVAL!!!!!!… THE ONLY BAD PART IS MY ANUS CAUGHT A TERRIBLE RASH FROM THE WHOLE WHEAT BREAD AND BY THAT TIME IT WAS TOO LATE BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY SHACKLED TO THE OTHER INMATES READY TO BE SHIPPED BACK TO JAIL!!!…YO MY HANDS AND MY ANKELS WERE CHAINED AND THE ITCH OF MY IRRATATED ANUS WAS SO BAD THAT I DROPPED TO THE FLOOR LIKE A DOG ON A CARPET AS I WAS TRYING RELIEVE MY UNBARRABLE IRRITATED ANAL ITCH!!!…IT WAS HORRIBLE,, THE OTHER INMATES WERE BUGGING OUT BECAUSE I WAS CHAINED TO THEM SO I WAS PULLING THEM DOWN WITH ME,,,BUT I COULDN’T HELP IT!!!.,,,BUT IT WAS NO USE THE DAMN WHOLE WHEAT GAVE ME THE WORST DIAPER RASH ANUS ITCH!!!….WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE JAIL THEY UN-CUFFED ME AND I USED AN OLD TOOTH BRUSH TO SCRATCH MY ASSHOLE INTO ECSTASY!!!  ,,,,THAT TOOTH BRUSH DID THE TRICK ,,,I SCRUMMED MY ANUS REAL HARD AND IT WAS LIKE HEAVEN TO ME!!!!….LATER ON I ACTUALLY HAD TO GO TO THE JAIL INFIRMARY TO GET SOME ITCH CREAM!!!…IT WAS A NIGHTMARE!!!!… “You can stab me with a knife, you can beat me with a club, you can even force me to open my eyes when I’m  having sex with my girlfriend ,  but there’s no way on earth you can make me hold in a Shit Blast when I gotta go….Yo’, theres a freight train coming get outta the way or its gonna get messy!!!!!!”….Gregg Valentino
 

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