IML RAMLIN FREAK #2

by Gregg Valentino

Caution: This column is not suitable for children aged 36 months!!!

TWEET: After Frank  Budelewski aka ‘BIG FRANK’ mercilessly killed 27 Ninjas while vacationing in Japan… The Japanese Government released the following statement that said > “Frank  Budelewski should be Hung!!!!”… To which ‘BIG FRANK’ responded, “Oh Don’t worry about that it,,, I Already Am!!!”…HEY I’M SORRY, BUT I JUST REPORT THE NEWS, I DON’T MAKE SHIT LIKE THIS UP, IT’S 100% TRUE!!!

…..YO, THE MESSAGE HERE IS SIMPLE >  IF YOU FUCK WITH BIG FRANK YOU DIE LIKE ALL THOSE NIJA’S…WHAT???,,,,YOU THINK I’M FULL OF SHIT???,,,,OH PLEASE STOP YOUR WHINNING… Hey, you’re either a ‘BIG FRANK’ fan or you are fighting it!!!..MORE ON BIG FRANK IN JUST A MOMENT,,,,BUT FIRST……

      WELCOME BACK TO MY NEW COLUMN OH YEAH BABE,,,, IT’S GREAT TO BE PART OF THE IML!!!”Hey earlier today I had a Colonic Irrigation treatment at a clinic in mid-town Manhattan NYC so now I’m totally ready to let loose!!!”.. THANKS TO FACEBOOK ,,,INSTAGRAM,,, AND YOUTUBE , TODAY EVERY GIRL IS A MODEL,,, A DIVA,,, A FITNESS STAR….. EVERY GUY IS MMA FIGHTER ( YEAH OK ) ,,,OH YES AND OF COURSE HE WAS TRAINED BY ONE OF THE GRACIES TOO  (UMMMM YEAH RIGHT…OKAAAYYY, YO’ THERE AINT THAT MANY GRACIES IN THE WORLD ) …AS WELL AS EVERY YOUNG BODYBUILDER WANTS TO GET INTO MOVIES / TV / ACTING OR BE A FRIGGIN PRO BODYBUILDER AND WIN THE MR.OLYMPIA!!!!….YO’ EVERYONES A STAR IN THEIR OWN MIND TODAY, BUT THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE ‘RAMBLIN FREAK’ aka KING OF THE MOMO’s JUST FUCKING ONE!!!!!!…..SO NOW WITH THAT SAID ,,,, I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU THE SAME CRAZY USELESS BULLSHIT I GAVE YOU FOR 15 YEARS IN MY MD  ‘RAMBLIN FREAK’ COLUMN!!!…SO NOW CLIMB ONTO YOUR FAVORITE SEAT IN THE HOUSE,,, A MANS THROWN,,, YOUR TOILET SEAT!!!!,,, BECAUSE THE SHIT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE BATHROOM FAN!!! So now, by the Power Vested in me, I now pronounce us, ‘Writer and Momo-Readers’,,, You may now Kiss your computer screen!!!!..

      TWEET: ..Last night I was licking Peanut-Butter off my Girlfriend’s Anus when I thought to myself, “Oh My God,,,,Yesss,,,my boy Big Frank  Budelewski was just named as a IML Sponsored Athlete !!!” TRUE STORY,,, I SWEAR!!! … I MEAN HOW COOL IS THAT???,,, YESSSSSSS,,,,,BIG FRANK IS MY BOY I FRIGGIN LOVE THAT GUY!!!    OH YEAH,,,AND BY THE WAY,,,, I DON’T EAT PEANUT-BUTTER!!!…BUT I FRIGGIN LOVE EATING ASS,,,IT’S A FOOD OF LOVE THING BABE!!

        In Science “The Big Bang” is defined as :”The Creation of the Universe!!!”….In Bodybuilding “The Big Bang” is defined as: “BIG FRANK in a Hot Tub with a few IFBB Bikini piggy’s,,, and an 80’s Big Hair Band Music blasting from the speakers!!!!”OH YEAH BABE,  I’M NOT SO SURE THE SCIENCE THEORY OF “THE BIG BANG” IS CORRECT,,, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE BIG FRANK “BIG BANG” THEORY  IS A  FRIGGIN FACT!!!…UMMM YEAH,,, IT REALLY IS LIKE THAT!!!…… HEY, IF IT WAS UP TO MY GIRLFRIEND MY BOY BIG FRANK’s – BIG ARMS ALONE WOULD ‘WIN’ THE OLYMPIA!!!….FUCKIN-A-RIGHT, MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES BIG FRANK’s BIG ARMS!!!……MY GIRLFRIEND EVEN WATCHS IML SHOWS ON YOUTUBE NOW JUST TO SEE BIG FRANK,,, YO GOD-FORBID SHE WATCH MY SHOWS JUST TO SEE ME!!!!…OOOPS, ,,ACTUALLY THANK GOD-SHE DOESN’T!!!!..SHE HATES WHEN I TALK ABOUT HER THE MISSING LINK > HER MOTHER!!!… *BIG SIGH* ..PERSONALLY, I FEEL LIKE “THE MAN THAT GOD FORGOT!!”..I KEEP TELLING MY GIRLFRIEND THAT I’M OLDER NOW BUT I WASN’T ALWAYS UGLY BUT SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE ME!!…YO’, IT’S TRUE; I WAS GOOD LOOKING WHEN I WAS YOUNGER BUT THEN AGAIN WHO WASN’T???…SO NOW I AM OLD AND UGLY …SO OUT OF FRUSTRATION I FIGURED I WOULD TEXT MY BRO, SHAWN RAY TO ASK HIM HIS OPINION …

A QUOTE BY SHAWN RAY AFTER SEEING GREGG VALENTINO AT DINNER AFTER THE ARNOLD CLASSIC: “Hanging out & Partying with Gregg Valentino is kinda like having sex…. You want to do it ,,,,and you totally look forward to it,,,,But you just don’t want to be alone when you do it!!!”…Shawn Ray

     HOW TO FRUSTRATE SHAWN RAYSOMETIMES I LIKE TO GET SHAWN RAY A LITTLE RILED UP SO EVERYONE ONCE IN A WHILE I SEND HIM A FEW TEXT MESSAGES THAT GETS HIM GOING!!!…SHAWN IN MY BOY!!!

MY TEXT MESSAGE TO SHAWN RAY Shawn, I need your advice, My girlfriend thinks I’m ugly and now she wants to bang ‘BIG FRANK’…. And she’ll do it too, trust me,,, My girlfriend is like the NYC Subway-Train Tracks – she’s been laid across the whole friggin City. What should I do??

SHAWN RAY TEXT MESSAGE TO ME  OMG, Valentino, here’s a hint. If I didn’t answer your first 10 texts, what makes you think the next 10 will be answered?

MY TEXT MESSAGE TO SHAWN RAY Shawn you don’t understand, My girlfriend isn’t having ‘Hot Flashes’ over ‘BIG FRANK’,,,, instead she is having friggin ‘Power Surges!!!’

SHAWN RAY TEXT MESSAGE TO ME  Valentino, please text Flex (Wheeler) or someone else, I have no time for your wacky games.

MY TEXT MESSAGE TO SHAWN RAY OK Shawn, be like that if you must but just remember…Opinions are just like a Woman’s Asshole — every single one is in Danger of being Violated by ‘BIG FRANK’

       FACT : I’ve been told by many hot IFBB Bikini Babes that they don’t care if BIG FRANK leaves the toilet seat down when he urinates,,, as a matter of fact they actually like it better that way!!!OH WOW!!!,,, THAT’S HOT!!!!….ITS MUST BE GOOD TO BE BIG FRANK!!!       

       VENT I get asked a lot about what my girlfriend is like in the bedroom…. I tell them she is Bisexual,,, she only gives me sex twice a year!!! ..LISTEN UP…I’M DONE!!!….MY MANHOOD IS GONE FOREVER!!!.…EVEN A FEW SHOTS OF MY FAVORITE SUSTANON 250 CAN’T HELP ME NOW!!…. YO CHECK IT OUT, I JUST GOT HOME FROM MY DAUGHTERS LACROSSE GAME AND MY GIRLFRIENDS MOTHER aka “THE LATINA- ANDRE THE GIANT” WHO IS STAYING WITH US FOR A WEEK WAS HOME ALONE AND APPARENTLY THE MISSING LINK (MY MOTHER IN LAW) LEFT THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN!!! …YES IT’S BAD,,, BECAUSE AT FIRST ALL I COULD HEAR WAS SPANISH MUSIC BLASTING FROM THE BATHROOM!!! ….AND WHEN I WALKED BY,  BY ACCIDENT I SAW HER BENT OVER WITH AN ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZING AS SHE WAS SHAVING HER HAIRY BALLS, I MEAN SOMETHING – IN FRONT OF HER BECAUSE ALL I SAW WAS HER BIG FAT ASS – BENT OVER AND AIMED AT THE BATHROOM DOOR WAY!!! ….* CAUGH – CHOKE * …   AND UNFORTUNATELY I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HER GIANT STAR-FISH ( HER ASSHOLE ) AND I ALMOST PUKED….I SWEAR I ALMOST CRIED… IT WAS SO FRIGGIN  HORRIFIC, ….YO THAT STAR-FISH WAS HUGE AND HAIRY!!!…..MY GOD, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A FULL-SYRINGE  OF TESTOSTERONE!!!……I’VE HAD NIGHTMARES EVER SINCE… My girlfriends Mother Anna has her own fragrance which smells like Low Tide!!!!OH YEAH BABE,,,Her Milkshake brings all the Cats & Dogs to the Yard!!!.…DAMN THAT GIANT STAR-FISH..YUKKK!!!…I’M HAUNTED,,,,I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT ANYMORE!!!

      TRUE STORY “Most Bodybuilding fans dream of performing on stage in Columbus Ohio at the ‘Arnold Classic’ ,,,,, but NOT ME…. Instead,,, I Dream of Performing on Jessica Reyes Padilla !!!!

       MY GIRL JESSICA REYES PADILLA STOPPED BY THE MUSCLE GELZ BOOTH AT THE ARNOLD TO JUST TO SAY HELLO TO ME,,, AND GOD DAMN SHEIS HOT!!!!….YO JUST SEEING JESSICA MADE MY TESTOSTERONE LEVELS  SHOOT STRAIGHT UP!!!…I MEAN I WAS LIKE A COMPASS POINTING NORTH!!!..SHE IS A NATURAL TESTOSTERONE BOOSTER AND RIGHT NOW I REALLY NEEDED THAT!!!…“Yo if Jessica Reyes Padilla was at a Seafood Restaurant, she’d definitely be the *Catch of the Day*!!!!”OMG,,,IF I WERE AN IFBB JUDGE SHE WOULD WIN EVERY SHOW,,, EVEN IF SHE WASN’T IN THE SHOW, SHE WOULD STILL WIN!!!….OH YEAH BABESHE IS DELICIOUS > OK OK OK , COME ON GIVE A GUY A BREAK WILL YA, I KNOW SHE PROBABLY THINKS I’M GROSS LOOKING AND DISGUSTING,  BUT THEN AGAIN SO DOES MY OWN GIRLFRIEND,,, I MEAN REALLY YO,,,,WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING???…..”HELL I WOULD LIVE IN THE BATHROOM A WHOLE MONTH JUST TO SMELL ONE OF HER FARTS!!!”…. MMMMM  YO IN MY MIND I CAN SMELL THAT SWEET SCENT RIGHT NOW,,,MY TESTOSTERONE LEVELS ARE SCREAMING IN MY EARS AT JUST THE THOUGHT OFJESSICA IN HER LITTLE THONG BIKINI !!!!……OH COME ON YOU READERS ARE REDICLOUS, I MEAN YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT GIRLS LIKE JESSICA REYES PADILLA DON’T THROW “SMELLY FARTS”  LIKE MY GIRLFRIENDS MOTHER ( OK IM DEAD FOR SAYING THAT ) …NO WAY!!!…HEY I’LL EVEN BET JESSICA REYES PADILLA’sANAL ACOUSTICS (HER FARTS) SMELL JUST LIKE “FRESH BAKED COOKIES” >> YO’, I LOVE THAT SMELL!!!! …WHO DOESN’T???…OH SHIT YA SEE THAT,,, JUST THE THOUGHT OF THAT MADE MY TESTOSTERON LEVEL JUMP RIGHT NOW!!!!… THE SWEET SCENT OF HER EFFERVESCENCE IS A NATURAL TEST BOOSTER FOR ME!!…MMMMM…. AND JESSICA MY LOVE,,,, IF YOU ARE READING THIS BULLSHIT , JUST KNOW THAT “IF I COULD PRY MY VISA CARD OUT OF MY GIRLFRIEND’S DIRTY GRIMEY MITTS ,,, I’D PAY YOU BIG MONEY TOO!!!.. wink.“The last time I saw a Hot Babe like Jessica Reyes Padilla I had to pay her $20 for a lap dance and have my pants dry cleaned the next day!!!”

1 BOTTLE OF 10,000 IU’s OF HCG  – $50 14 CLOMID PILLS – $25 ONE 50MG TAB OF VIAGRA – $10 … ONE BOTTLE OF MUSCLE GELZ ANDRO HARD $49 JESSICA REYES PADILLA IN A G-STRING – FUCKING PRICELESS!!!… YO JESSICA,,HOLLA AT YOUR BOY,,, MY TEST LEVELS NEED YOU,,,BAD!!!

         FINAL THOUGHT….GLOBAL WARMING VENT!!!.. UMMMM YEAH OKAAAAAAAAY!!!…MY MOTHER IN LAW FARTED AND NOW WE GOT GLOBAL WARMING,,,,SIKE!!!…RELAX IT WAS A JOKE!!!!….YO’, THE POLAR ICE CAPS ARE MELTING BUT MEANWHILE HERE IN NEW YORK WE GET MORE SNOW AND MORE FROZEN TEMPETURES EACH YEAR!!!…I SAY SEND THE “N.Y. SNOW” UP TO THE POLAR ICE CAPS, I DON’T FRIGGIN WANT IT!!!…YO’, THAT HUMANS ARE CAUSING “GLOBAL WARMING” IS BULLSHIT, IT’S JUST “THE NATURAL CYCLE OF THE EARTH”, IT AINT BECAUSE OF US MOMO-HUMANS!!…IT’S BEEN GOING ON SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME!!.. TRUST ME, THE POLAR ICE CAPS WERE ONCE “TROPICAL & LUSH“ MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO AND NEW YORK WAS ONCE UNDER A FRIGGIN “GLACIER” AND IN AN ICE-AGE!!!….SO STICK THAT GLOBAL WARMING SHIT UP YOUR ASS, …HEY, IT MAY BE WARMING AT THE POLAR ICE CAPS BUT THE REST OF US ARE EXPERIENCING RECORD COLD TEMPETURES!!!…HELL IT EVEN SNOWED A LITTLE IN VEGAS, YO FUCK THIS SNOW SHIT!!Eat Shit!!!A Million Flies Can’t Be Wrong !!!! 

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