IML RAMBLIN FREAK COLUMN #5 – ODE TO CHRIS GRIFFIN

by Gregg Valentino

Warning: If this column lasts longer than a half an hour, consult your physician.

TWEET  A few years ago N.Y. Congressman Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress and immediately disappeared after learning that he had also accidentally sent a tweet of his penis to Chris Griffin….

DAMN!!!.. HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!….HOW FRIGGIN CARELESS AND DANGEROUS IS THAT??..HEY, I HEARD THAT IN LESS THAN 3 MINUTES AFTER THE CONGRESSMAN MADE THAT FATAL “MISTAKE” TWEET, A FEW YEARS AGO,,,A  VERY ‘PISSED-OFF’ CHRIS GRIFFIN WAS WEARING BOXING GLOVES WHILE  BANGIN ON ANTHONY WEINER’S FRONT DOOR!!!NO WONDER ALL THESE YEARS AGO CONGRESSMAN WEINER TOTALLY VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE!!!…HHMMM MAYBE I SHOULDN’T BE TALKING ABOUT THIS,,, I MEAN I DO HAVE A BIG MOUTH AT TIMES!!!!!….OH SHIT,,,, HOLD UPWHAT’S THAT NOISE???….OH NO!!!,,, NOW SOMEONE IS KNOCKING ON MY FRONT DOOR!!! …OH GOD NO!!!…COULD IT BE???….OH MY GOD, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE “LEAKED OUT” THIS STORY, I’M DOOMED!!!…I SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT MY BIG MOUTH SHUT!!!I’M OUTTA HEREAAAHHHH…AAAHHHH… NO CHRIS PLEASE!!!… IT WAS JUST.JOKE!!… PLEASE TAKE OFF THOSE DAMN BOXING GLOVES YOU’RE SCARING ME NOW!!!!…. ….I’M SORRY CHRIS,,I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!…NOOOOOOOOOO!!!…

THIS JUST IN: A mugger in the Boston area thought he was going to take Chris Griffin’s wallet ….. His funeral is tomorrow!!!

FACT: “Chris Griffin is so bad-ass that he does NOT FART,,,,, because NOTHING ever ‘ESCAPES’ Chris Griffin!!!” NOT EVEN A LITTLE FART GAS!!…YO’ ENOUGH SAID!!!…LETS MOVE ON

       THE BOSTON MASSACHUSETTS AREA IS KNOWN FOR SOME BAD-ASS SPORTS TEAMS,, SUCH AS THE RED SUX (SORRY I HAD TO GO THERE),, THE PATRIOTS,,, THE BRUINS,,, THE CELTICS,,,, AND GREAT BODYBUILDERS  JAY CUTLER,,,MIKE MATARAZZO,, PAUL DeMAYO,,,,MIKE QUINN ,,,,JOSE RAYMOND,,,,,AND A BUNCH OF OTHER GREAT BODYBUILDERS!!!…..AND THEN THERE’S THE REAL BAD-ASS GUYS,,, ROCKY MARCIANO ,,,MY FRIEND  VINNY PAZ,,AND MY NEW FRIEND AND IML BROTHER CHRIS ‘THE GOON’ GRIFFIN HE’S A BODYBUILDER  – GOLDEN GLOVE-BOXER,,,,SUPER TRAINER,,, AND A HELL OF A  NICE GUY NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH!!!!!..GOD DAMN,,,YO I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY!!!!……MY FATHER (THE BADDEST MAN I EVER MET) ALWAYS SAID “NEVER MISUNDERSTAND MY NICENESS FOR WEAKNESS!!!!”…WELL CHRIS GRIFIN REMINDS ME OF MY DAD AND THAT OLD SAYING!!!…KNOWN AS CHRIS “THE GOON” GRIFIN IS NICE AS HELL TO EVERYONE BUT HE IS FAR FROM WEAK aka NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH!!!.. Godzilla is Lucky that Chris Griffin doesn’t Live in Japan!!.AND BY THE WAY, CHRIS DOES A NEW SHOW WITH MIKE COX FROM THE MUSCULAR DEVELOPMENT FORUM!!!...THIS SHOW IS CALLED ‘BEAST COAST LIVE’….AS MOST OF YOU KNOW OR SHOULD KNOW  > I HAVE A LIVE SHOW ON THE IRONMAG LABS FACEBOOK PAGE EVERY MONDAY NIGHTS AT 7pm EASTERN TIME … AND MY BOY CHRIS HAS HIS SHOW 7pm EASTERN TIME ON THE IML FACEBOOK PAGE EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT  < ITS MY FAVORITE SHOW AND EVEN THOUGH CHRIS GRIFFIN IS A BOSTON ‘RED SUX’ FAN,,,NOBODY IS PERFECT ,, WE ALL HAVE FLAWS,,, BUT REGARDLESS OF THAT FLAW CHRIS IS NOW MY BOY,,,wink

        A FEW TRUE FACTS ABOUT MY BOY CHRIS “THE GOON” GRIFIN …

FACT: Fear of Heights is called ‘Acrophobia’….. Fear of Enclosed Spaces is called ‘Claustrophobia’…. Fear of Chris Griffin is called being Fucking Smart!!!!….

FACT:  Recently, the song “Welcome to the Jungle” started playing out of nowhere when a Doctor gave IML’s Chris Griffin a routine Colonoscopy!!!..

FACT: The largest Mental Asylum in Boston Massachusetts has a wing dedicated solely to caring for women who were once subjected to Chris Griffin performing cunnilingus on them!!!

         MESSAGE TO MY GIRLFRIEND…Yo Baby,,, I know what you can get your mother for Her Birthday…. A  FRIGGIN TAPEWORM!!!!

        QUICK VENT: “Wooof,,, is that fresh Onion Bagels I smell or did you sleep in that Thong  last night??”….HERE PIGGY PIGGY….HERE PIGGY PIGGY…OOOPS, SORRY BOUT THAT,,,  I AM LOOKING FOR ‘MY GIRLFRIEND’!!!…SHE LEFT ME ALONE WITH HER MOTHER, SHE’S ACTUALLY HIDING OUT OF EMBARRASSMENT…..*BIG SIGH* , YA SEE, ONCE AGAIN MY GIRLFRIENDS – FAT ASS – MOTHER >“THREW A LOUD FART” AT THE DINNER TABLE IN A MEXICAN RESTAURANT A FEW NIGHTS AGO,,, IT WAS SO LOUD AND GROSS,,,, THAT IT TOTALLY ‘LOWERED’ MY NATURAL TESTOSTERONE LEVELS!!!….MY GIRLFRIENDS FAT NEANDERTHAL LOOKING MOTHER LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT SURVIVED A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST AND “IT” NOW ROAMS THE LAND IN SEARCH OF VICTIMS TO EAT!!! …SHE HAS BOTH THE SAME SIZE HANDS & HEAD AS BIG AS ‘ANDRE THE GIANT’ ALONG WITH AN ADAMS APPLE THAT IS AS BIG AS HER HAIRY BALLS!!!…OH YEAH BABE,,, MY GIRLS MOM IS A REAL LOOKER,,,,IF YOU’RE A SAINT BERNARD!!!…. Mercedes mother is so nasty when I asked her ‘what’s for dinner’ she just spread her legs and said ‘Crabs!!!..OH GOD GROSS!!!!.….AND NOW MY GIRLFRIEND IS MAD AT HER MOTHER FOR ‘THROWING A FART IN A RESTAURANT’ EVEN AFTER SHE’S BEEN WARNED BY MY GIRL TO NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!….AND AS ALWAYS MY GIRL WILL VERBALLY CASTRATE ME BECAUSE JUST LOOKING AT HER MOTHER KILLS MY TESTOSTERONE LEVELS AND NOW MY DICK DON’T WORK!!!… I get asked a lot about what my girl friend Mercedes is like in the bedroom…. I tell them she is Bisexual,,, she only gives me sex twice a year!!!

       MORE VENTINGStress is nothing more than a ‘Socially Acceptable’ form of Mental illness!!!YO’, TO EASE ‘MY STRESS’, LATELY I BEEN THINKING ABOUT TAKING A COURSE IN “ROSETTA STONE” AND LEARNING SOME “SPANISH” SO WHEN I AM AROUND MY GIRLFRIEND & HER FAMILY AND THEN THEY START ‘TALKING SHIT’ ABOUT ME IN “SPANISH”, I’LL KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!!!…..THEY ARE ALL SHIT TALKERS, BUT I’M GONNA GET THE LAST LAUGH!!!…THIS TIME THE JOKE WILL BE ON THEM!!!…THEY THINK I’M STUPID, BUT I AM ON TO THEM…HELL THE FIRST TIME MY GIRLFRIEND BROUGHT ME HOME TO MEET HER FAMILY THEY ALL ‘RAN OUT OF THE HOUSE!!’OH YEAH BABE, THEY SAW A FRIGGIN- WHITE DUDE ( ME ) COME INTO THEIR ‘APARTMENT COMPLEX’ AND THEY THOUGHT I WAS FROM IMMIGRATION, COMING FOR ONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS COUSINS!!!….YO WHO IS THE STUPID ONE NOW???… I do for Bullshit what Stone-Henge does for Rocks!!…OH FUCK OFF!!

          BACK IN THE DAY …. ”Some people live life in the Fast Lane ,,, I live in oncoming traffic!!!!”…BACK IN 1988, JUST THREE WEEKS BEFORE 1988 THE OLYMPIA IN LOS ANGELES THE GREAT LEE LABRADA STAYED HERE IN NEW YORK WITH ME AND HE DID A GUEST POSING A SHOW I RAN YEARLY FOR THE NPC…LEE WAS HERE FOR 3 DAYS AND ASIDE FROM MY WACKY DRIVING ( I SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA LEE, HIS WIFE , JACKEY PAISLY and RON LOVE WITH MY CRAZY NEW YORK CITY DRIVING SKILLS ) I JUST KNOW THAT LEE HAD A GREAT TIME AT MY GYM.. “Yo, If you don’t like my driving, stay off the damn sidewalk!!!”…. ANYWAY, LEE & I GOT INTO A DEEP CONVERSATION ABOUT MY CRAZY METHOD OF TRAINING… LET ME EXPLAIN FIRST: > I TRAIN SUPER HIGH VOLUME … IT WAS NOTHING FOR ME TO DO 75 SETS per BODY PART WITH ONLY 30 SECONDS REST BETWEEN SETS!!!!HIGH VOLUME TRAINING WORKS FOR ME BETTER THAN STEROIDS, CASE IN POINT >  I’M NOT ANYTHING ( STEROIDS ) FOR OVER 10 YEARS NOW YET I STILL MAINTAIN GOOD MUSCLE SIZE EVEN WITH MY CURRENT PUNY TESTOSTERONE LEVEL AT JUST 125!!!… BACJK THEN I WAS 100% NATURAL NEVER EVER EVEN TRIED ANYTHING OTHER THAN PROTIEN POWDER YET I LOOKED GREAT!!!……ANYWAY WHEN LEE SAW ME HAMMER AWAY –“SET AFTER SET” IN THE GYM HE GAGGED!!!LABRADA TOLD ME I WAS CRAZY BUT AT LEAST I HAVE DEVELOPED MY OWN WAY OF TRAINING AFTER MANY YEARS OF TRIAL & ERROR AND THAT I WASN’T JUST CONFORMING TO THE CONVENTIONAL WAY OF THINKINGLABRADA THEN WENT INTO A BIG SPIN ABOUT HOW MOST PEOPLE IN LIFE PLAY ‘‘FOLLOW THE LEADER” AND NEVER THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX .

LEE THEN TOLD ME A STORY!!!…HE AND HIS WIFE WERE IN A RESTAURANT SOMEWHERE IN HOKEY POKEY COW-TOWN USA!!! … HE SAID HE REMEMBERED LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW OF THE RESTAURANT AND SEEING THESE MASSIVE-GIANT BLACK ANGUS BULLS ALL EATING GRASS AND ALL “CONFIND” IN THEIR SPACE BY THIS RICKETY OLD FENCE MADE OF THIN OLD BRITTLE TREE BRANCHES... HE SAID HE COULDN’T FIGURE WHY THESE MASSIVE 2,000 POUND BULLS DIDN’T JUST CRUSH THE FENCE AND WALK AWAY TO FREEDOM!!!… HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF “WHAT IS STOPPING THEM FROM BUSTING OUT???”… THEN IT HIT HIM… THEY ARE BRAIN WASHED & AND THEY ARE MENTALLY COMFORTABLE BEING CONFINED LIKE THIS… IT’S ALL THEY KNOW!!!!… THEY HAVE “TRAINED THEIR OWN BRAINS” TO STAY IN THOSE SAFE CONFINESLABRADA THEN SAID, “ANYTHING OUTSIDE THAT FENCE IS UNKNOWN TO THEM” AND THEY ARE CONTENT WITH THEIR CONFINED LIVES… THEY DON’T KNOW ANY BETTER, NOR DO THEY STRIVE TO KNOW ANY BETTER… HE SAID HE WONDERED “HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE JUST LIKE THESE CATTLE… THEY BUILD FENCES IN THEIR BRAINS AND BECOME AFFRAID TO BRANCH OUT IN THOUGHT,,,, AFFRAID TO TRY DIFFERENT WAYS AND APPROACHES IN LIFE”LEE SAID HOW HE PERSONALLY GOT TO THE NEXT LEVEL IN THIS SPORT WAS BY SIMPLEY FOLLOWING HIS OWN GUT, NOT WHAT OTHERS TOLD HIM HE MUST DO OR WHAT HE READ IN MAGAZINES!!!.… INSTEAD LABRADA TRIED HIS OWN DIFFERENT APPROACHES READING HIS OWN BODIESINNER FEEDBACK!!!... IN ESSENSE WHAT WORKS BEST FOR HIM ( LEE ) , NOT ARNOLD OR ANYYONE ELSE!!!… LABRADA THEN SAID MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER GET TO THE NEXT LEVEL IN THEIR LIVES UNTIL THEY LEARN TO BREAK DOWN THE FENCES THAT THEY HAVE BUILT IN THIER OWN BRAINS!!!!”…..I STILL THINK ABOUT LABRADA’S WORDS TO THIS DAY!!!… THE FUNNY THING IS THAT LEE > IMPACTED MY LIFE WITH THAT STORY AND ITS ACTUALLTY HELPED ME GET TO WHERE I AM IN MY LIFE TODAY… HEY I HAVE NO FENCES IN MY BRAIN,,,DO YOU??… TILL NEXT MONTH STOP FUCKING AROUND!!! 

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